WoT TRL
by SnoopyGal327
Summary: A parody of WoT and TRL put together. Second episode finally done!!! Check it out!!!
1. Episode 1

WOT TRL- Episode 1-The Phantom Menace  
  
[A blue screen with the red letters "WOT TRL" appears on the screen. Fades to millions   
of screaming people in the street…who are running from a thousand Aiel…Fades to a   
wizened old man with white hair and funny looking mustaches in a faded cloak with   
many patches. He is looking nervously at the some hundred or so screaming people   
behind him in the stands of the studio.]  
  
Man: (clears his throat) Ummm…hello there. I'm Thom Merrilin and this is WOT TRL.   
This point-less writing is a total rip-off of MTV's TRL, except for Carson Daly. We tried   
to get Lan to do this show, but he refused, claiming his first duty was to death. (mutters,   
"Crazy man…"). But, anyway, these are the top 10 ten videos in all of Randland. I got   
suckered into this because I have considerable knowledge about music, being a gleeman   
and all, but I'm not exactly sure I know this type of music, however, I will do my best   
conducting this little extravaganza. To start off, let's have our imposing impressive   
beginning.  
  
Impressive Imposing Beginning: The Wheel of Time creaks, and Ages come and go, like   
music artists, leaving hideous memories that become not-so legends. The not-so legends   
fade to myths, and even these myths are fortunately long forgotten when the Age that   
gave it birth comes again. (Some call this the 60's.) In one lonely computer room, a   
bored writer writes a parody of this increasing-annoying Age in music. A wind rises   
from the not-really open window. The wind was definitely not a beginning. How could a   
wind be the beginning? There are neither beginnings nor endings to the Wheel of Time,   
though one could argue that since time had to have started at some point, there had to   
have been a beginning, but nonetheless, it was a beginning of some sorts.  
  
[Impressive Imposing Beginning fades from screen.]  
  
Thom: Great, now we can get started! You didn't think we'd start a show of this   
magnitude with some sort of mystical monologue that makes no sense, did you? I love   
rhetorical questions. Let's get into our first video. At number 10, this is Loial with   
"Loial Rhapsody".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Loial  
Album: The Stedding Ghetto  
Song: Loial Rhapsody  
  
  
Is this the real world?  
Is this just fantasy?  
Caught in ta'veren  
No escape from my book  
Open my eyes  
Look up to the skies and see  
I'm just a poor Ogier, I need no sympathy  
Because I've lived a long time and I'm come, easy go  
A little high, little low  
Anyway the tree grows, doesn't really matter to me, to me  
  
Mama, just left the stedding  
Put an idea inside my head  
Carried it out, when I get home, I'll be dead  
Mama, life had just begun  
But now I've gone and thrown it all away  
Mama, ooo  
Didn't mean to make you cry  
If I'm not back again in a hundred years  
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters  
  
Too late, my time has come  
Rand sends shivers down my spine  
My ears are drooping all the time  
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go  
Gotta leave you all behind and face the world  
Mama, ooo - (anyway the tree grows)  
I wanna write a book  
I sometimes wish I'd never left the stedding at all  
  
I see a little silhouetto of Forsaken  
Holy pecans, holy pecans, will I write the Bible?  
Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me  
Rand, Perrin,  
Mat, Rand,  
Perrin Goldeneyes - magnifico  
  
But I'm just a poor Ogier and my momma's gonna marry me  
He's just a poor Ogier from Stedding Shangtai  
Spare him his life from this monstrosity  
Easy come easy go - will you let me go  
Ta'veren! No - we will not let you go - let him go  
Ta'veren! We will not let you go - let him go  
Ta'veren! We will not let you go - let me go  
Will not let you go - let me go (never)  
Never let you go - let me go  
Never let me go - ooo  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -  
Oh Ogier Elders, Ogier Elders, Ogier Elders let me go  
The Dark One has a devil put aside for me  
for me  
for me  
  
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye  
So you think you can take me for Trolloc and leave me to die  
Oh baby - can't do this to me baby  
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here  
  
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah  
Ta'veren are all that really matter  
Anyone can see  
My Bible is what matters - nothing really matters except the Dark One  
  
Anyway the tree grows...  
~~~  
  
Thom: Well, that was great. By the way, did a plucked turkey in a wig just talk to me?   
While we're at it, let's go right on to number 9. This is Perrin Goldeneyes with "I'm A   
Believer".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Perrin Goldeneyes  
Album: Tel'aran'rhiod Lounge  
Song: I'm A Believer  
  
  
[Verse 1 - Perrin]  
I thought Trollocs were only true in fairy tales  
Meant for gleemen's stories and not for me...  
Shai'tan was out to get me  
That's the way it seemed  
Wolves hunted all my dreams  
  
[Chorus]  
And then I saw their ram face  
Now I'm a believer  
Not a trace, of doubt in my mind  
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh  
Ahhh, I'm a believer  
I couldn't run now if I tried  
  
I thought Darkfriends were more or less a harmless thing  
The more I thought the less that I doubted that  
  
[Verse 2]  
What's the use of running?  
All I'll get is eternal death  
When I wanted Mommy, I got pain!  
  
[Chorus]  
And then I saw their ram face  
Not I'm a believer  
Not a trace, of sanity in my mind  
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh  
Ahhh, I'm a believer  
I couldn't run now if I tried  
  
[Verse 2]  
What's the use of running?  
All I'll get is eternal death  
When I wanted Mommy, I got pain!  
  
[Chorus 2x]  
And then I saw their ram face  
Not I'm a believer  
Not a trace, of coherent thought in my mind  
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh  
Ahhh, I'm a believer  
I couldn't run now if I tried  
  
Now I'm a believer, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaah!  
Now I'm a believer  
Then I saw their ram face  
Now I'm a believer  
Not a trace...  
Of sanity in my mind  
I'm a believer...  
~~~  
  
Thom: Okay, so that was Perrin with "I'm a Believer". We'll be right back after this   
little break.  
  
[A young man dressed as a farmer is standing in a field. The glow of saidin appears   
above him and sets his plow to work for him. As he turns to go, he collapses on his knees   
and throws back his head as he screams wildly. His eyes pop out and he throws out his   
hands. Eventually he crumples on the ground with a thud. A woman appears on the   
screen sitting behind a desk with a red shawl on. She is very prim and proper.]  
  
Woman: Does this paint the picture of you or a friend? Don't worry. There is hope yet   
before he goes mad. We at the White Tower can help. By taking him into our arms and   
giving him love and comfort, we CAN eventually stop this harmful process. If you or   
anyone else you know is addicted to saidin, we CAN help. Please contact us at 1-800-  
REDSISTA. Our phone lines are open 24 hours. Don't hesitate to make this vital and   
important call…  
  
[At the bottom of the screen in tiny writing says the lettering, "Paid for by the Red Sisters   
Ajah. We despise men." The screen cuts back to Thom on the set with the screaming   
people behind him.]  
  
Thom: Welcome back to WOT TRL. We're having a great time here in Caemlyn.   
Actually, I'm having a miserable time hosting this stupid show while I could be out   
earning money and fame. But anyway, let's get on with the show. At number 8 are the   
Wheels, including Elayne, Min, and Aviendha with "Independent Women Part 1".  
  
~~~  
Artist: The Wheels  
Album: The Pattern  
Song: Independent Women Part 1  
  
  
[Spoken]  
Elayne  
with my girl Min  
Aviendha and the Wheel  
Rand's Angels come on  
  
[Sung, Verse 1-Avidenda]  
Question: Tell me what you think about me.  
I buy own jewelry and I earn my own honor.  
Only seek your tent when I'm feelin' angry.  
When it's all over please get up and leave.  
Question: Tell me how you feel about this.  
Try to control me, boy, and you get sniffed.  
Take care of myself and channel without you.  
Always fifty fifty in relationships  
  
[Chorus-All]  
The ter'angreal in my hand, I made it.  
The spears that I'm throwin', I bought 'em.  
The visions that I predict, I saw 'em.  
'Cause I depend on me if I want it.  
The money in my purse, I earned it.  
The ji'e'toh that I got, I earned it.  
The necklace I'm wearin', I bought it.  
I depend on me.  
I depend on me.  
  
[Verse 2-All]  
All the women who independent Aes Sedai  
Channel your sign up at me.  
All the honeys who ruling the countries  
Bow you house banner to me.  
All the peasants who profit dollars  
Throw your hands up at me.  
All the ladies who truly feel me  
Throw your hands up at me.  
  
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.  
Aviendha how your booty get down like that.  
  
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.  
Min how your booty get down like that.  
  
[Verse 3-Elanye]  
Tell me how you feel about this:  
Who would I want if I would wanna live?  
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I want in the Tower.  
Aes Sedai it ain't easy bein' independent.  
Question: How's you like this knowledge that I brought?  
Sniffin' on the gold that he gave you is the front.  
If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money that you flaunt.  
Depend on no leaders to give you what you want.  
  
[Chorus]  
  
[Verse 2]  
  
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.  
Elayne how your booty get down like that.  
  
[Spoken-Aviendha (Min)]  
The Wheels (Wass up!)  
You'in the tent? (Sure-nuff)  
We'll break these people off Aiel style.  
Child of Aviendha, independent beauty.  
No one else can scare me.  
Rand's Angels  
  
[Verse 2]  
  
[Repeat 3x-Min]  
~~~  
  
Thom: Wow, those women sure are independent! These are some lame comments I'm   
forced to say!  
  
[Suddenly, a scream from the background penetrates the set. Egwene runs onto the stage   
clutching a cereal box. "They're after me Lucky Charms!" she screams. She looks   
around furtively and runs off the stage again. Thom acts as though nothing has   
happened.]  
  
Thom: But, on to a happier note, our number 7 video is Moraine Sedai with "Higher   
Power".  
  
[A/N: A song by a band called Boston who those who didn't know.]  
  
~~~  
Artist: Moraine  
Album: Moraine  
Song: Higher Power  
  
  
Ohhhh, Ohhhhh  
Hey, my higher power  
Yeah, give me saidar  
  
Let me control you  
Take me into Tel'aran'rhiod for the night  
Let me attach strings to you  
Teach you how to see a vision through my eyes  
Turn the pages  
Tell the Karaethon Cycle, let me face another day  
Saidar embraces, I feel it comin' now  
The Dark One's on his way.  
  
Hey, my higher power  
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid  
Yeah, give me saidar. It's the beginnin', the beginnin' of another day.  
  
Yeah  
  
Let me hold you  
Take me back into the secrets of the Age of Legends  
Let me know you  
Come and save me Light  
Don't let me cross the line  
  
Hey, my higher power  
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid  
Yeah, give me saidar. It's the beginnin', the beginnin' of another day.  
  
[Spoken]  
Light, grant me the serenity to change wool-headed Rand Al'Thor  
To have the patience of attaching strings to him (Ohhhh)  
And the wisdom to know the difference between control and free-reign  
Or else Tarmon Gai'don shall come  
Amen  
  
[Sung]  
Ooh, let me use you  
Ooh, let me use you  
  
Hey, my Higher Power  
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid  
  
Yeah, my Higher Power  
It's the beginning of another day.  
  
Hey, my Higher Power  
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid  
  
Yeah, my Higher Power  
It's the beginnin' of another day.  
  
Hey, my Higher Power [3x]  
~~~  
  
Thom: Okay, that was great. As you can see, I don't really care about what happens to   
these videos. But anyway, we must get on with the show. Over at the news desk, we   
have our very own Master Al'Vere all the way from the Two Rivers. Bran, what's up in   
the news of music?  
  
Bran: (He shuffles his papers uneasily and looks around nervously. He clears his throat.)   
Well, Thom, it's like this…  
As I'm sure most of you know, Rand, the Dragon Reborn has some chicken with   
the rapper Sisqo. Rand is pressing charges against Sisqo because Sisqo's new album is   
titled "Unleash the Dragon". Rand says that Sisqo is posing as a false dragon trying to   
bring Rand down from his lofty seat as Savoir of the world. As Rand quotes, "That guy   
has no bloody business posing as a false dragon! When he shows me his bloody dragon   
tattoos from Ruihean, I'll let him rule the world!" Both Dragons are getting, as we say in   
the Two Rivers, "hot under the collar". We'll have to wait and see what becomes of this   
intense battle. Stay tuned to WOT TRL for more information.  
And that's all for now. Have a great day!  
  
Thom: Thank you Bran. That was wonderful. And now we'll take another commercial   
break. That's right kids, just like TRL we love to put in ten thousand commercials that   
are really long without showing any of the video! We'll be right back in about 10   
minutes!  
  
[A stupid looking man runs onto the screen.]  
  
Stupid Looking Man: Hi! I'm here to shamelessly advertise for the MTV VMAs!! You   
have to watch it because it's going to really really cool! And…um…yeah…we'll have   
the Dragon Reborn there performing and everything. It's gonna be tight! Yeah yeah!   
I'm cool…  
  
Thom: So everybody make sure to watch the MTV VMAs! (Thom rolls his eyes) Now   
that that's taken care of, let's get back to WOT TRL. Now on number 6, we have Rand,   
Mat, and Perrin as Ta'veren 182 with "All the Small Things". They've jumped up 3 on   
the countdown today, though how that's possible since this is our first show, I don't   
know. But anyway, let's hear it for Ta'veren 182!  
  
~~~  
Artist: Ta'veren 182  
Album: The Car'a'cran of the State  
Song: All the Small Things  
  
[Verse 1-Perrin]  
All the, small things  
True care, truth brings  
I'll take, one night  
Your ride, best ever  
Always, I know  
You'll be, by my side  
Watching, fighting, commiserating  
  
[Chorus-All]  
Say it ain't so, I will not go,  
Throw away the sword, carry me home  
  
[Suddenly while singing, Mat tears off his clothes and earns himself stares from Rand   
and Perrin]  
  
Rand: But Mat, we're not supposed to take off our clothes yet. That comes later in the   
video.  
  
Mat: So, I wanna do it now!  
  
[They shrug and look at each other, then resume singing.]  
  
Na Na...  
  
[Verse 2-Rand]  
Late night, come home  
Ruling nations sucks, BELIEVE ME, I know!  
All of my three women left me roses by the tent,  
Surprises let me know they care  
  
[Chorus-All]  
  
[Verse 3-Mat]  
Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill,  
The night will go on, my little Maiden  
  
[Chorus-All]  
  
[Verse 3-Mat]  
~~~  
  
Thom: Wow, that was great. I really love those guys. This just in! There's been a   
walnut uprising! And guess what people…we have one of the members of Ta'veren 182   
with us today! People, let's raise the falsely painted roof for Rand Al'Thor, the REAL   
Dragon Reborn!  
  
[Rand enters to the theme music of "In The End" by Linkin Park. Half of the people in   
the studio go running towards him and the other half cower in fear from him. He   
willingly accepts all those who wish to scream in his ear and tear at his shirt. After some   
time, he makes it to Thom.]  
  
Rand: Hey, how ya' doing Thom?  
  
Thom: Hey, that's my line.  
  
Rand: Sorry.  
  
Thom: Hey, how ya' doing Thom? I mean, Rand?  
  
Rand: Well, I'm doing great. Aside from the fact that I'm trying to unite the world   
before Tarmon Gaidon comes and the Dark One breaks free when I have to fight him.   
But, you know, same ol', same ol'.  
  
Thom: Of course. So, that video we just saw there was some piece of work. Really   
great, if I say so myself.  
  
Rand: Thanks. I mean, why wouldn't it be great? I am the Dragon Reborn, the Savoir of   
men, the Blessed One, He Who Comes With The Dawn, the Car'a'carn, The Promised   
One, the Lord of the Dawn, the-  
  
Thom: We get the point Rand.  
  
Rand: Just making sure. I don't want any traitors trying to resist me here. Like Couladin,   
now he was-  
  
Thom: Rand, you're on a TV show!  
  
Rand: TV? What's TV?  
  
Thom: Never mind. So, I heard Ta'veren 182's new album's coming out soon. Tell us   
about it.  
  
Rand: Why, of course. It's called "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket". Mat made up the   
name for it. I rather like it.  
  
Thom: How could I have guessed that?  
  
Rand: I don't know, Thom. Maybe you're psychic. Maybe you should open your own   
psychic hotline on the tel'phone. That would be cool. I mean you could call it, "Thom's   
Tipsy Tellings" and then-  
  
Thom: Thank you, Rand! Just shut-up for the moment.  
  
Rand: Whatever you say.  
  
Thom: Now, I understand that you're branching out onto a solo project. Please tell us   
more.  
  
Rand: Well, I'm producing a solo album and I can tell you the album is being tentatively   
called "Rand Al'Thor, DR" with the first track called "The Real Dragon Reborn".  
  
Thom: I've been told it's going to be different than what we're used to hearing from you.  
  
Rand: Oh, yes. It's more of a rap style. I mean, the first track goes, "Yes, I'm the real   
Dragon, all you other false dragons are impersonating. Will the real Dragon Reborn   
please stand up, please stand up…" You know, sort of like that.  
  
Thom: Very interesting.  
  
Rand: I rather think so.  
  
Thom: What can you tell us about this upcoming movie of yours?  
  
Rand: Well, it's kind of top secret right now, but I'm set to co-star with Sauron from   
Lord of the Rings as my menacing antagonist.  
  
Thom: What about the plot?  
  
Rand: It's basically about the fight between good and evil with Sauron being   
the…killdestroymustkill…  
  
Thom: What was that?  
  
Rand: I'm sorry, did I say something?  
  
Thom: (looking around uneasily) No, Rand, it's okay. Well, it was certainly nice having   
you with us today. Come back again sometime.   
  
Rand: Thanks. I will. Maybe sometime in a parallel universe none of this would have   
happened.  
  
Thom: And now let's take a short break.  
  
[A bearded man in a white robe with a sunburst on it sits at a desk looking very serious.   
He has a tub of clothes with white cloaks in them.]  
  
Man: Do you have trouble getting grass stains out of your white robes? Well, do you?   
Why won't you answer me? Are you a Darkfriend? ARE YOU!? Well, anyway, if you   
do have trouble washing your laundry, we have a Light saving device for you. That is, if   
you walk in the Light. (He holds up a bottle.) This! Oxy-Clean. Sort of an Oxy-moron,   
yes? I am an Tarboner, yes? It will take out your worst stains that you get while fighting   
evil Trollocs and Darkfriends. Call 1-800-WITLESS for your free bottle, provided you   
join our army. Thank you, and walk in the Light.  
  
[Thom appears back on the screen.]  
  
Thom: Well, we're tearing up the set here on WOT TRL. (He looks behind him where   
Trollocs are demolishing the stands and ravaging the streets below.) Literally. Our next   
video is Rhuarc with the very popular hit, "Aiel Roll Out".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Rhuarc  
Album: Word Of The Ca'car'an  
Song: Aiel Roll Out  
  
  
[Chorus - 2x]  
{Repeats 'Roll Out' in background}  
I've got my sheep locked up - COP THAT!  
Me and my spear-sisters so - DROP THAT!  
We rolling on wagons with the - TOP BACK!  
So much ji'e'toh you cant - STOP THAT!  
  
[Verse 1 - Rhuarc]  
Now where'd you get that ruby sword, with them diamonds in it  
Where'd you get that matchin scabbard, from the Treekillers?  
Who them Tinkers you be with, when you be riding through  
Man, I ain't got nothin to prove, I paid my fifth  
Breaking the Way of the Leaf while I'm taking a (Whoo!)  
Tell me who's your pipe man, How do you smoke tabac so good?  
Yous a clan chief boy, Why you still up in Rhuidean?  
What in the world is in that bag, What you got in that bag?  
A couple of cans of whop the wetlanders  
You did a good job of just eyeing me, spying me  
  
[Chorus]  
  
[Verse 2]  
Man that ter'angreal don't come out of Rhuidean, Where in the Light did you get it?  
That's a dragon tattoo on your arm, Where in the Light did you spend it?  
You must have eyes on your back, Cause you got gai'shain to the celing  
And the bigger the fight the bigger the toh the better I'm feelin  
The more that I'm chillin willing and drilling to killin em  
Now who's that naked Maiden of the Spear, fixing three course meals?  
Gettin goosebumps when the hand taps them six inch spears.  
What in the world is in that room, What you got in that room?  
A couple of bats, a couple of knives, a couple of rats, a couple of wives  
Now its time to chose  
  
[Chorus]  
  
[Verse 3]  
Are you Stone Dog, Red Shield, or you just Water Seeker?  
Water fountain up in the hold, and is that the Ca'car'an?  
Is that your wife, your girlfriend, or just your first-sister?  
You take a pick, while I'm singing the song getting ready to dance the spears.  
Tell me who's your roof keeper, What you keep in your roof?  
What about diamonds and gold, Is that what you keep in your hold?  
What in the world is that in that case? What you got in that case?  
Get up out my Waste, you couldn't relate,  
Waiting to take the spears, at a similar pace, so dance - dance it  
  
[Outro]  
Get out my Waste, my Waste  
Stay bloody up out my Waste  
Cause the wetlanders all up in my Three-Fold Land,  
And its my Waste, my Waste  
Stay bloody up out my Waste  
Cause its mine, O mine, O mine  
My Waste, my Waste  
Stay bloody up out my Waste  
~~~  
  
Thom: Gee, I really love that song. Let's take a look at what's up and coming on WOT   
MTV this week. We'll go over to Faile for that drivel of uninteresting news. Don't   
worry people, you don't have to pay attention, 'cuz we'll just tell you a hundred more   
times until the actual shows are on, like we always do.  
  
Faile: (stiffly) Thank you, Master Merrilin. Well, this week on WOT MTV, we'll be re-  
visiting our Bel Tine festival special for the hundredth time this month! Won't that be   
exciting! And then, we'll take a look at the chicken between The Dragon Reborn and the   
Sisqo. Should be a useless piece of nonsense that will only put foolish ideas in men's   
heads as if they didn't need it already, but nonetheless, tune in! And lastly, I believe we   
will be having special hour-long episode of "Rauol's Wild Kingdom". I don't know who   
Rauol is, but he'll be showing us to teach poodles to fly. And following that will be   
"Conan the Librarian". The little known very unsuccessful other series written by Robert   
Jordon. And that's all from me Master Merrilin. (She tugs her non-existent braid.)  
  
Thom: Thank you, Faile that was wonderful  
  
Faile: (sniff)  
  
Thom: I sure won't be tuning into those shows! And now, let's see our number 4 video.   
It's Mat "Luv Machine" Cauthon with "Ride Wit' Me".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Mat "Luv Machine" Cauthon  
Album: Bloody Ashes  
Song: Ride Wit' Me  
  
  
Where they at (8X)  
  
[Chorus]  
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me  
wit six women in the wagon with the short skirts  
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)  
  
If you wanna go and get it on wit me  
Smoke some tabac in the back of the tent  
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)  
  
[Verse 1]  
In a tavern on a late night, feelin lucky  
Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice  
Lookin for a little girly I noticed so that I can take home  
(I can take home)  
She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude  
or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude  
But as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it's on  
(Know that it's on)  
I peep something comin towards me on the serving floor  
Sexy and real slow (hey)  
Sayin she was peepin and I dig you last night  
So when Mat, can we go; how could I tell her no?  
Her measurements were 36-25-34  
I like the way you dance the floor  
And I like that pretty skirt you wear  
I like the way the light hit your ankles  
And I can see you sniff from way over there  
  
[Chorus]  
  
[Verse 2]  
Face and body front and on top, don't know how to act  
Without no vouchers on her paycheck she's bringin nuttin back  
You should feel the impact, sharp on the enemy  
When the sky's the limit and them haters can't get past that  
Watch me as I run away, 'cuz I ain't brave  
Watchin' Rand go crazy, Perrin changing up  
It feel strange now  
Makin a livin off other people's memories, stead of my own  
I got the title from my momma put the whippin on end now  
Everything's bloody done changed now  
Running a whole bloody army now with no shame now  
I feel the fame now (come on), I can't complain now (no more)  
Blood and bloody ashes I'm the man now, in and out my own town  
I'm getting girls out of Tarien taverns from top to bottom.  
Tellin me about a party up in the Stone  
And can I make it? Flamin' yeah, I be on the next wagon  
Payin gold; first class - sittin next to King of Cairhein  
  
[Chorus 2X]  
  
[Verse 3]  
Check, check -- yo, I know somethin you don't know  
And I got somethin to tell ya  
You won't believe how many people, straight doubted my sanity  
Folks said that I was a failure  
But now the same flamin' people askin me fo' gold  
And I'm yellin, "I can't help ya"  
"But Mat can we get into to see the Dragon?"  
Heck no (what's witchu?!) you for real?!  
  
Hey yo, now that I'm a ta'veren, and I run high  
Women wanna know why, why I run by  
But yo it's all good, gotta keep my butt safe  
Do me like you should - give me good, pay me good  
We be them Band of the Red Hand, wishing you was us  
Win or lose we still kicked you where it hurts  
Honey in the village, me on the horse  
Icy grip, telling me to leave wit you and your friends  
So if shorty wanna... knock, we knockin to this  
And if shorty wanna... rock, we rockin to this  
And if shorty wanna... pop, we poppin the back door  
Yo, I wanna see the gold, then I go for the battle  
Rand talk, Mat listen; Mat talk, Rand listen  
When I get wit' fly girlies; when I fight pay attention  
See the dice and the glitter; people starin or they diss (Dark One's own luck)  
Honies lookin all they wish - come on girl, gimme kiss  
  
[Chorus 2X]  
  
Hey, must be the money! (4X)  
  
[Chorus]  
~~~  
  
Thom: And now let's take a break, but first, let's see our WannaBes. The really good   
videos that never get on the show because we fudge the numbers.  
  
[A woman is a see-through dress is dancing on the screen in a suggestive manner. In the   
corner reads: Artist: Berelin Album: A Night in Heaven Song: Oops (Oh My).]  
  
Berelin: Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head. Oh my. Oops, there goes my skirt   
droppin' to my feet. Oh my. Oh, some kind of touch caressin' my face. Oh my. I'm   
turnin' red, who could this be. Oh my…  
  
[The screen cuts to four men in color shifting cloaks all wearing swords. One of them is   
Lan. In the corner reads: Artist: The Warders Album: The Warders Song: All or   
Death.]  
  
Lan: 'Cause I want it all…or nothing at all. Give me death before life, Aes Sedai!   
Ohhhhh, yeah! I want it all, or nothing at all…  
  
[A commercial for MTV's Dismissed comes on.]  
  
Mysterious Voice: Next, on WOT Dismissed, it's Rand with three, count 'em, three   
women. Aviendha scares him off with her yelling…Elayne entices him by kissing in   
corners…and Min fascinates him with her visions of his future…who will get dismissed?   
Find out next on WOT TRL. Then, later on, we'll jump over to Mat who's foolin'   
around with the ladies. It's all coming up after TRL…  
  
[Thom appears back on the screen.]  
  
Thom: And now, let's get back to the countdown. Can you tell I'm trying to get this over   
as quickly as possible? Grandma's gone crazy! Hide the walnuts! I like walnuts… Up   
at number 3 is Selene with "I Wanna Be Bad".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Selene  
Album: Lanfear wuz here  
Song: I Wanna Be Bad (With Rap by Ishy)  
  
  
Oh, I, I,.....I  
I wanna be bad witcha baby  
I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad with ya Randy  
  
Do you  
Understand what I want  
From you  
Just let me be the controller  
To show you, you  
Everything that you will be  
Is everything that I can be (I wanna be)  
My turn  
Let me let you know that I, I will  
Control you to be my lover  
So, Lews  
Be at the time and place  
'Cause you make me wanna misbehave  
  
I wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad look so good  
I've got things on my mind  
I always knew I would  
I, I wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad feel so good  
I lost all my cool a long time ago  
I've already broken the rules  
I, I wanna be bad  
  
I wanna be bad witcha, baby  
I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad, Randy  
  
What's up?  
I tell you what to do  
How to be  
Teach you all my commands from A to Z  
But I  
Don't want that sop-haired chit to see  
That you messin' around with me  
Should I flaunt?  
Tell ya what I got is what ya want?  
Tell, tell me, do I, I turn you on?  
Don't want no one disobeyin' me  
  
I wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad look so good (Ooh)  
I've got things on my mind (Ohh)  
I always knew I would (Always knew I would)  
I, I wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad look so good  
I lost all my cool a long time ago  
I've already broken the rules (Broken the rules, Lews)  
I, I wanna be bad  
  
[Rap Interlude w/Ishy]  
Selene, Selene, Selene, whatcha want, whatcha want?  
Selene, Lanfe- oops, haha, I mean, Selene, Selene, whatcha want? (Come and get it from   
me)  
Is it him, the channeler with the dragon tattoos? (Uh)  
Do you need a real ta'veren to.. (Please stand up)  
I bet it's him, the mad man in the red coat, that never pretend to be nothin' other than a..   
(Bad boy, Lews...)  
If you say him want me, tell me how you gon' be.  
(Hey, Ishy...) Yo.  
(I wanna be bad) C'mon. (Oh, yeah)  
  
I, I Wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad so good  
I got things on my mind, I always knew I would (I always knew, I always knew I would)  
I wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad feel so good (You make bad look so tempting...)  
I lost all my cool (You make bad feel so good....ohhhh....)  
I've already to broken the rules (Already broken, Already broken the rules)  
  
I Wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad look so good  
I got things on my mind, I always knew I would  
I, I Wanna be bad (bad)  
I make bad feel so good  
I lost all my cool (Cool)  
I've already broken the rules  
I, I Wanna be bad  
~~~  
  
Thom: *whistle* My, that woman sure does wanna be bad! Let's get a caller to answer   
our trivia question about the artists on the number 2 spot. (Goes over to the tel'phone   
line and presses a button.) Hello, you're on WOT TRL, can you answer the trivia   
question today?  
  
Voice: Like, sure I can! I like, have nothing for brains, but ya' know, I can like, do it. I   
think. No wait, that would be a lie. I don't think.  
  
Thom: All riiiiiight, pay close attention, here's the question. What male artist in the band   
at number 2 turned against Lews Therin back in the old days because he was always   
ranked second against the legendry Dragon?  
  
Voice: Umm…(long pause)…like, I don't, like, know…  
  
Thom: Ohhh, I'm sorry that's an incorrect answer.  
  
Voice: Can I, like, give a shout-out to all my, like, friends?  
  
Thom: No. (He presses another button that cuts off the voice talking.) Hello, you're on   
WOT TRL, can you answer the trivia question for the day? (A sensuous voice comes   
on.)   
  
Sensuous Voice: Why, of course. The answer is Demandred.  
  
Thom: (looking thoroughly surprised) Well, that's right! No one on this show is   
supposed to be able to answer these absurdly obscure questions! How in the Light did   
you know that?  
  
Sensuous Voice: It was easy. I used to know Demandred. We're er-buddies…yeah,   
buddies, from way back in the Age of Legends. I guess you could call him my-…I mean,   
(clears throat)…what I meant was…I read it somewhere. Yeah, that's right…  
  
Thom: (looking uneasy) Of course, well for answering the trivia question right, we'll give   
you…we'll give you…hmmm…how about a shout-out to your friends.  
  
Sensuous Voice: Great! I wanna yell out to all my Chosen buddies and of course, the   
Great Lord himself! You rule Bela!  
  
Thom: (still looking uneasy) Ahhh…okay…that was great. But Sensuous Voice was   
right, Demandred is on the countdown. Yo, Demandred's de man! Asmo, Ishy, Sammy,   
Rahvin, and Deman, also known as the Forsaken Boys, are at number 2 with "Show Me   
the Meaning of Being Evil".  
  
~~~  
Artist: The Forsaken Boys  
Song: Show Me the Meaning of Being Evil  
Album: Back in Black  
  
Show me the meaning of being evil  
  
[Verse 1-Ishy]  
So many words from the Great Lord in my head  
It's hard to see in the crimson light  
So hard to breathe  
Walk with me, and maybe  
Tarmon Gai'don so soon become  
Wild and free I could feel the darkness  
Your every wish will be done, Great One  
He tells me...  
  
[Chorus-All]  
Show me the meaning of being evil  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something dark insane in my head  
  
[Verse 2-Asmo]  
Life goes on until it ends  
My eyes of stone observe the trends  
They forever gaze for three thousand years  
Pleasure roads to be Nea'blis  
I have control  
You are bound to me forever  
My every wish well be done  
I'll tell you...  
  
[Chorus-All]  
  
[Verse 3-Rahvin]  
There's nowhere to run  
You have no place to go  
Surrender my heart, body and soul to the Great Lord  
How can it be he's asking me to feel  
The things he's never shown  
  
You are missing in my clutches  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
  
[Chorus-2x]  
~~~  
  
Thom: Okay, and while we're almost done with this Light-forsaken show (haha, no pun   
intended), let's take yet one more commercial break. When you come back, you'll find   
out who the number 1 video is! And then, I can blow this popcorn stand!  
  
[Mysterious anxiety fades over the screen. A man sitting at a table is dressed in a fine   
blue coat with gold embroidery. He has a heron-marked sword at his side.]  
  
Man: Do you fumble at your sword forms? Can't seem to beat those bloody Trollocs?   
Do your friends laugh at your feeble attempts at a sword fight? Is this story filled with   
rhetorical questions? Do you know the answer? Does the author know the point of all   
these rhetorical questions other than to confuse the audience? Well, we don't, but we   
have the perfect book for you! Written by Tam Al'Thor, you'll find some of the most   
unusual sword forms ever written! These are just a few of the unique moves you'll be   
able to pull off.  
  
[Screen with a list comes up.]  
  
-Cat Retches Over Hairball  
-The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Climbs Up the Wall  
-Schizophrenic Bird Contemplates Quantum Theory  
-Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother's House We Go  
-Poodle Catapults Out of Window  
-Silk Parts To Reveal Hideous Monster  
-Guy Drops Sword and Runs For Life  
-Heron Chokes While Eating Fish  
-Deranged Rabid Weasel Attacks Innocent People  
-Neurotic Waffles Fly Through Air  
-Mr. Squirrel Cracks Giant Nut Against Own Head  
  
Man: Yes, that's right, you can learn these distinctive sword forms in this amazing book   
for only $39.95! That's all people! In just a few short days, you too can be a   
blademaster! Call now at 1-800-RAVNFLY. If you call within 20 minutes, we'll give   
you a free reproduction of a REAL heron sword! What an oxymoron! Call now and   
become the best swordsman on your block!  
  
[Screen appears again with Thom on the set.]  
  
Thom: So, now let's get back to the countdown so I can go home. I know this is the   
moment you've all been waiting for! (He looks expectantly at the crowd behind him who   
are all slumped in the stands and screamed out. He turns back to camera.) Okay! So, the   
number 1 video this week is…(eggroll)…Egwene and Nynaeve of *NSNIF with "Pop".   
All those bloody teenybopper Aes Sedai must have been voting for them!  
  
Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy: Hey! That's not fair! I   
vote for a re-count!  
  
Thom: Shut-up kid, this isn't Florida!  
  
(Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy sits down dejectedly   
suddenly losing his energy, which would make him Guy In the Audience Who Has   
Suddenly Regained His Energy But Then Lost It Again Due To Thom And This Horribly   
Boring Show. But wait! Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy   
But Then Lost It Again Due To Thom And This Horribly Boring Show is suddenly hit by   
a falling sign that says, "Watch for Falling Signs", which would make him Guy In the   
Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy But Then Lost It Again Due To   
Thom And This Horribly Boring Show And Is Hit By A Watch For Falling Signs Falling   
Sign. What an impressive title!)  
  
Thom: So here's *NSNIF with, "Pop".  
  
~~~  
Artist: *NSNIF  
Album: Aes Sedai Celebrity  
Song: Saidar  
  
  
[Verse 1- Nynaeve]  
Dirty mind  
I'm sick and tired of hearin' all these farmers talk about  
What's the deal with these Aes Sedai and when are they gonna fade out?  
The thing you got to realize what we're doing is for the Dragon  
We got the gift of saidar and we're gonna bring it 'til Tarmon Gai'don (come on now)  
It doesn't matter  
'Bout the ter'angreal I wear around my neck  
All that matters  
Is that you recognize we need respect  
It doesn't matter  
'Bout the shawl I wear and what I do and why  
All that matters  
It that you get high and saidar will do it you every time (come on now)  
  
[Chorus-All]  
Do ever wonder why  
Saidar gets you high  
It takes you on a ride  
You feel it when your  
Head starts to pulse  
And baby you can't stop  
And the Power's all you got  
This must be saidar  
  
Dirty mind  
Baby, baby you can't stop  
It knows your mind  
Dirty mind  
This must be…  
  
[Verse 2-Egwene]  
Now why you want to try to classify the type of thing we do  
'Cause we're just fine ordering people around  
Can I ask you to throw yourself off a cliff?  
I'm tired of feelin' all around me animosity  
Just worry 'bout your own life 'cause Tarmon Gai'don's coming (people can't you see?)  
It doesn't matter  
'Bout the ter'angreal I wear around my neck  
All that matters  
Is that you recognize we need respect  
It doesn't matter  
'Bout the shawl I wear and what I do and why  
All that matters  
Is that you get high and saidar will do it you every time (come on now)  
  
[Chorus-2x]  
  
Ooooooh, woman I'm tired of channeling the One Power  
(Music Break)  
  
[Chorus-2x]  
~~~  
  
Thom: Well, that's it our show for today. Fortunately, I don't have to come back   
tomorrow and do this all over again, but I hope you have a Trolloc-free weekend without   
any annoyances from the Dark One! I'm Thom Merrilin signing off saying, "Scotty   
beam me up!" and "May the badgers be with you!".  
  
Non-Descriptive Voice: Stay tuned for WOT Dismissed and then, after that, it's   
everyone's favorite show, "The Forsaken", where you get watch goes on behind those   
bloody masks as cameras invade their pits! Later on, we'll play about 15 min. of videos   
and resume our boring shows. Stay tuned and don't miss the wheel-turning fun!  
  
Completely and Finally, the Light Forsaken End 


	2. Episode 2

[A/N: Well, you guys asked for it. Don't blame me if it sucks. Heh heh, just kidding. Thanks to Era (Moridin the Master) for some great song ideas. You're such a good servant. More tarts? lol I didn't put in Moiraine's Without Me since it's already posted separately. Fortunately, I had an abundance of songs. I actually tried to structure the countdown the way it was this summer. Enough of me going on, here's the story.  
  
WOT TRL- Episode 2  
Attack of the Phones  
  
[A blue screen with red letters saying WOT TRL appears. It fades to screaming people lined up on the street. They are holding signs that say, "Rand is a QT!", "Mat I Luv U!", and, "Faile U Suck". The camera pulls back to the studio where an old gray haired man is standing with a microphone. The audience behind him is making everyone deaf with their ear-splitting screams.]  
  
Old Gary Haired Man: Hello everyone. And welcome to the second torturous episode of WOT TRL. My name's Thom Merrilin and I've been forced...er...I mean asked to host the second episode. Yeah. That's it. Anyway, as I'm sure many of you have already figured out, this is a complete rip-off of MTV's TRL. So we're going to play the Westland's top 10 videos for today. Before we start, the customary Impressive Imposing Beginning must come on the screen.  
  
[An Impressive Imposing Beginning appears on the screen.]  
  
Impressive Imposing Beginning: The Wheel of Time endlessly turns to create the story that never ends. Impossibly long Ages come and pass, leaving recollections that become legend. Legend fades until everyone has forgotten what the stupid story was about in the first place. Even myth is long forgotten like it usually is. In one Age, called the Thousandth by all readers, an Age yet to come before the series is finished, an Age long past when we actually had lives, a wind rose in the cold Northeast. The wind was not a beginning. How could a wind ever be a beginning you idiot? There are neither beginnings nor endings to the writing of Robert Jordan's pen as we all know by now. But it was a beginning. Where does he come up with these ideas? Must be on crack or something...  
  
[Impressive Imposing Beginning fades from the screen. Thom and the audience are mesmerized. Thom finally shakes himself awake.]  
  
Thom: Those beginnings always seem to have that effect on people. I wonder if subliminal messages are possibly hidden in there...Anyways, let's start with our number 10 video. It's the Dark One with "Welcome to Shayol Ghul".  
  
~~~  
Album: Hand of the Dark  
Artist: Dark Day  
Song: Welcome to Shayol Ghul  
  
Dear Dragon can you hear me calling  
It's been three whole weeks since I have left you alone  
Your fear has left you trembling  
Cause now it seems that you're out there on your own  
And you're feelin so alone  
  
[Chorus]  
Pay attention to fire pits and the pointy spikes  
Some call it frightful Chosen call it nice  
I wanna take you through a wasteland I like to call my home  
Welcome to Shayol Ghul  
  
A piercing scream rings out at the mountain  
Another borderlander snaps and left dead on his own  
It makes me wonder why they're still here  
No pleasant dreams and it's now feelin like my home  
And I'm never gonna go  
  
[Chorus]  
  
Dear Dragon can you hear me laughing  
It's been six whole months since you have killed my Chosen  
It makes me wonder why you're still there  
No pleasant dreams and it's now feelin like my home  
And I'm never gonna go  
  
[Chorus]  
  
Oh Shayol Ghul  
~~~  
  
Thom: Wow, great song. Though I do wonder who voted for that one...Well heck, everyone knows we fudge the numbers here, so let's go on to video number 9. It's the Seanchan with "The Middle".  
  
[A/N: I imagined this would be the song that the Seanchan commander would sing to them when they've lost a battle. Yeah, I know it's kind of weird, but give me a break, I was running out of ideas.]  
  
~~~  
Artist: Seanchan Eat Westlands  
Album: Bleed Randland  
Song: The Middle  
  
Hey  
Don't write yourself off yet  
It's only in your head  
You feel left out or looked down on  
Just try your best  
Try every war technique you can  
And don't worry what those Westland idiots tell themselves when you're away  
  
[Chorus]  
It just takes some time  
Vast army, you're in the middle of a riot  
Everything everything will be just fine  
Everything everything will be all right all right  
  
Hey  
You know they're all the same  
You know we're doing better under the Empress (may she live forever) so don't buy in  
Live right now  
Just do your duty  
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for them  
  
[Chorus 2x]  
  
Hey  
Don't write yourself off yet  
It's only in your head  
You feel left out or looked down on  
Just do your best  
Do everything you can  
Don't you worry what the Dragon Reborn will say  
  
[Chorus 2x]  
~~~  
  
Thom: And now let's take our first break. We'll be back in ten to twenty minutes depending on how much advertising money we need. Thank you.  
  
[A screen with the words "Real World: Shayol Ghul" comes on and a cheesy voice talks.]  
  
Cheesy Voice: Are you ready for a whole new season of the Real World? The crazy show where we put 7 Forsaken in a house and see what kind of violence they inflict upon each other. This season we're in the hoppin' mountain of Shayol Ghul of death, pain, and chaos. We've got seven new Forsaken to watch: Moridin, Aginor, Demandred, Graendal, Semirhage, Mesaana, and Moghedien. And see what kind of fights they get into!  
  
[Moridin channeling a plate at Mesaana's head and Demandred and Graendal arguing.]  
  
Cheesy Voice: Don't miss this fun this season! We're sure to have someone killed!  
  
[Returns to Thom and the studio.]  
  
Thom: Hi and welcome back to WOT TRL. I really don't have much to say, so let's go to our number 8 video, Good Andorans with "Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man.  
  
[A/N: Not a well-known band, Good Charlotte, and I'm sorry if you haven't heard of them. But they're awesome, check them out!]  
  
~~~  
Artist: Good Andorans  
Album: The Dirty and the Poor  
Song: Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man  
  
Always see it in the castles or hear about it through the grape vine  
Aes Sedai who want sympathy  
All they do is channel and moan  
Inside the White Tower  
Talking about how hard life can be  
  
I'd like to see them spend a week  
Livin' life out on the street  
I don't think they would survive  
If they could spend a day or two without their channeling tricks  
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall  
They would fall, fall  
  
[Chorus]  
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man  
They're always complaining  
Always complaining  
If the end of the world is such a problem  
Well they got the Dragon Reborn  
Think we should rob them  
  
Did you know when you were a channeler  
You could kill anyone and there was no such thing as guards locking you up for life  
As long as you got the power to blow them up  
And did you know if you were caught and you were smoking tabac  
Robert Jordan wouldn't even really care  
You could always just run for major of Two Rivers  
  
I'd like to see them spend a week  
Livin' life out on the street  
I don't think they would survive  
If they could spend a day or two without their channeling tricks  
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall  
They would fall, fall  
  
[Chorus]  
  
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man  
They're always complaining  
Always complaining  
If the end of the world is such a problem  
You got so many problems  
Think I can solve them  
  
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man  
We'll take clothes, food, coins, and homes just stop complaining  
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man [3x]  
~~~  
  
Thom: Lovely. Now let's go to Bran Al'Vere, the major of Two Rivers for some news in the world of music and...other stuff. Bran?  
  
Bran: Well, it seems as if another band as broken up. Sevanna of "The Aiel Sisters" has left the band to pursue other plans. When asked what these plans were, she refused to comment. The other sisters of the band declined the chance to comment as well. It looks as though we won't be seeing the famed band anytime soon, or at least until they get a replacement member.  
  
Thom: Thank you. Hey, did you ever notice that the Wheel of Time symbol looks like Mickey Mouse ears? Yet another subliminal message folks! Let's go to the number 7 video, Rand with "My Anthem Part 2"  
  
~~~  
Album: Take Off Your Breeches and Coat  
Artist: Rand 182  
Song: My Anthem Part 2  
  
Everything has fallen to pieces  
Randland's dyin help me Creator  
I need guidance I've been mislead  
Young and hostile but not stupid  
  
Corrupt nobles kings and queens  
Turn my back they're plottin against me  
Laws that rule the cities and countries  
Prophecies that caution the Dragon's unsafe  
  
[Chorus]  
We really need to see this through  
We never wanted to have Tarmon Gaid'an  
I'll never give up its no use  
If I'm insane up he's to blame (points to Lews Therin)  
  
Let this palace smolder slowly  
Innocents are victim in this story  
Drown the public will useless warnings  
Prophecies of the Dragon they're messed up and boring  
  
[Chorus]  
  
Everything has fallen to pieces  
Everything has fallen to pieces  
Everything has fallen to pieces  
Everything has fallen to pieces  
  
[Chorus]  
~~~  
  
Thom: So, to find out what happens when Grandmas go spelunking, let's take a commercial break.  
  
[Woman sitting at a desk appears.]  
  
Woman: Are you an aspiring inventor? But do your friends laugh and mock you? Well, come to The Dragon Reborn's School for Future Inventors. We here at DRSFI encourage you to experiment and research new ideas for the upcoming Age. We offer tuition programs as well as financial aids funds for you to get your idea off the ground. If you're interested in this exciting new prospect, call 1-800-INVENT and we'll get you started on your way to discovering new innovations.  
  
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]  
  
Thom: And welcome back everyone. We're not even halfway through the countdown and it's torture for me, but let's jump right back in with number 6, Egwene with "The End With You".  
  
[A/N: Another not well-known band, Box Car Racer, a branch off of Blink-182. Sorry, if you haven't heard of them. This song is Track 11 off their CD, I didn't really have to change the lyrics too much, and I thought it fit with Egwene so well.]  
  
~~~  
Album: The Amyrlin Seat  
Artist: The Amyrlin Seat  
Song: The End With You  
  
Blood and bloody ashes!  
  
Our days are runnin thin  
Our hopes will start to fall  
I can feel the world collapse around me from within  
The prophecies keep comin by  
To let us know when Rand will die  
And please Creator will you forgive us and give us one more try  
  
If you will then we'll go  
As fast as we go far  
Maybe we'll be forgotten when the world is torn apart  
  
I've been up all night long  
Counting days that all went wrong  
I walked out into the snow  
I wish this pain was gone  
There are no useful herbs to escape from feeling numb  
I remember the Two Rivers I remember when I was young  
  
[2x]  
If you will then we'll go  
As fast as we go far  
Maybe we'll be forgotten when the world is torn apart  
Cause the sun won't be so blinding  
And the rains will finally come  
The ashes will slowly pile up  
Just to prove we're finally done  
  
Blood and bloody ashes!  
~~~  
  
Thom: And guess what? We're very privileged to have the Amyrlin Seat herself come visit us today! That's right, Egwene Al'Vere is here!  
  
[Scattering claps from the audience as Egwene enters the studio. People back away from her and mutter behind their backs.]  
  
Thom: Wow, Egwene, that's amazing. You got even less of a welcome than Rand did! And he's the Dragon Reborn, people are supposed to be afraid of him!  
  
Egwene: Shut-up! And I'll thank you to call me Mother!  
  
Thom: Hey! I knew you back before you got all high and mighty. I remember when we went to the Eye of the World and-  
  
Egwene: Shut-up.  
  
Thom: Ummm...okay. Well, tell us how you've been in the last few months.  
  
Egwene: Busy! I've got a war to plan you know! They need my leadership! I've got so many things to do and I'm starting to wonder about-  
  
Thom: That's nice. Let's discuss your new album. The last song on the countdown was off it right? Tell us about it.  
  
Egwene: *sniff* My album is a collection of songs that I sing all about the struggles of being an Aes Sedai and Amyrlin Seat.  
  
Thom: Yeah right...  
  
Egwene: *sniff* Well, if you're going to be that way, I'm going to have to leave! I have important things to do as leader of the Broken Tower.  
  
Thom: Okay, okay. What kinds of songs are on your album exactly?  
  
Egwene: All different types really. There's even some rap on it.  
  
[Snickers from the audience. Egwene turns to give them her best Aes Sedai stare. They shut up quickly.]  
  
Thom: (obviously trying not to laugh as well) So what are your upcoming plans for the future?  
  
Elayne: Well, I mean to storm the White Tower and kill Elaida as violently as possible.  
  
Thom: (seems a little disturbed) Well, I'm sure you have dozens of things to do as head of the Aes Sedai...yes, you really must be going now.  
  
Egwene: Oh but I can stay a little while longer. I've got-  
  
Thom: Darn, it's such a shame you have to leave. So sorry.  
  
Egwene: But I-  
  
[Thom pushes her out of the studio.]  
  
Thom: Come back not so soon! See you later! And now let's take a break.  
  
[A man in a black cloak appears. He is standing next to a mountain and he has a mask on.]  
  
Man in black cloak: We need your help. Join the Army of the Dark One now. Be part of the legendary battle that will crush and destroy Rand Al'Thor. As an onion of the Dark, you will even receive free benefits courtesy of the Dark One himself. We offer free dental care as well as health settlements so after you get injured in battle, you can recover fully. As well as these generous benefits, you will also receive 15 days of paid vacation to use whenever you like. Provided that you don't use them when we are in battle. As a consort of the Army of the Dark, you will also get your share of the riches we steal from Rand Al'Thor and his stupid military. Just think about this magnificent opportunity. A chance to serve in the greatest army of the world, as well as have clean and pretty teeth. Don't delay! Call now at 1-800-DARKONE.  
  
Thom: And welcome back to WOT TRL, the show that helps you waste your time efficiently. Number 5 on the countdown is Lews Therin with "In The End".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Lews Therin  
Album: The Dragon Theory  
Song: In The End  
  
(It starts with)   
One thing I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme  
To explain in due time  
All I know  
Time is a valuable thing  
Watch it fly by as the war goes by  
Watch it count down to the end of my life  
The Dark One touches us  
It's so unreal  
Didn't look out below  
Watch my life go right out the window  
Trying to hold on but didn't even know  
Wasted it all just to  
Watch her go  
I kept everything inside and even though I tried  
The world fell apart and it all fell on me  
I'll eventually be a memory of a time when I tried  
So hard  
  
[Chorus]  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
  
One thing I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme  
To remind myself how  
I tried so hard  
In spite of the way the Forsaken were mocking me  
Acting like I was the Dragon to save the world  
Remembering all the times you fought with me  
I'm surprised it got so (far)   
Things aren't the way they were before  
No one would even recognize me anymore  
Not that they knew me back then  
But it all comes back to me  
In the end  
I kept everything inside and even though I tried  
The world fell apart and it all fell on me  
I'll eventually be a memory of a time when I  
I tried so hard  
  
[Chorus]  
  
I've put my trust in Rand  
Pushed as far as he can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know  
I've put my trust in Rand  
Pushed as far as he can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know  
I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
~~~  
  
Thom: Lovely. A little disturbing nonetheless, but...interesting. You know, I hate it when a beloved character dies, but losing Lews Therin, would be great! And next on the countdown is a song by the Robert Jordan fans, "iF yoU C Jordan".  
  
[A/N: Another unknown band, Something Corporate. But the song title fit so well.]  
  
~~~  
Artist: Something Corrupt  
Album: Leaving WoT Behind  
Song: iF yoU C Jordan  
  
I have a story  
A bitter anthem  
For all fantasy readers to hear  
About this author who just don't like us  
And that's a solid fact  
They say he's stalling us  
And as you see we're all swelled up with anxiety  
'Cuz he won't publish CoT  
  
[Chorus]  
If you see Jordan  
He makes me sad  
WoT's not over  
And he still won't quit  
  
We tried to steal Glimmers over the Internet  
And man he didn't like that  
We nearly cried and said to yell at Harriet  
Like we do at wotmania  
Then you drove home real quick  
Did you make it in time to tug your braid?  
There's one too many epic story writer in this world  
  
[Chorus]  
  
You say it's chivalry  
But it's jealously that lead us to this song  
Will play it often  
Just least until he writes another book  
We'll stop at nothing but the whole thing  
He tried to brainwash us with the prologue  
  
[Chorus]  
  
Bloody Jordan  
You make us sad  
WoT's not over  
I don't care if you say you need more time  
You'll always leave us hanging!  
~~~  
  
Thom: My memory's like an elephant that's lost it's memory, and therefore we must go to yet another break.  
  
[A man with a mask on and a deep voice sits at a desk menacingly.]  
  
Man: Have you seen this man?  
  
[Holds up a picture of one known as Rand Al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn.]  
  
Man: We here at...er...Forsaken Enterprises are in search of this man. If you have any information as to his whereabouts and those traveling with him, we would like you to call this number.  
  
[Number flashes on screen. 1-800-DIERAND.]  
  
Man: Be rest assured that when you help us track down this menace of a man; you will be...er...helping the good of the Dark One. Thank you.  
  
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]  
  
Thom: Welcome back to WOT TRL. I'm Thom Merrilin and we're in the middle of WOT TRL countdown. Let's go over to Faile at the news desk for some info on upcoming shows here at MTV. Faile?  
  
Faile: *sniff* Thank you Thom. Well, we have a busy week coming up here. After TRL, the popular show, "Cooking and Decorating Tips from Narg" will be coming on, and you don't want to miss that. Narg will be showing up how to make butter cookies for Winternight and how we can decorate our pumpkins in the shape of gruesome figures for Halloween. He will also be showing us how to make attractive fall napkin holders and be explaining the origin of mayonnaise. After that, we have the premiere of The Real World: Shayol Ghul. Later this week, we'll have "Decorating Sense" with Legolas and Gimli from Lord of the Rings and "Creating the Happy Home" with Cersi Lannister from A Song of Fire and Ice. We'll also have Dr. Cauthon's new show about analyzing your dreams and feelings. Don't miss all the fun this week here at MTV! Or did we turn into HGTV? Oh well...  
  
Thom: Thank you Faile. Our next guest is one of high prestige and honor, loved by all fans. That's right goldfish and monkeys; I'm talking about Narg, the Intelligent Trolloc!! Well, really Narg Reborn since Rand killed him, but let's welcome him anyway. He's here to talk to us about his wildly popular show Faile just mentioned!  
  
[Narg enters the studio to wild applause and screams. He seems bewildered and walks over to Thom.]  
  
Thom: Heh heh, you have more fans than Egwene does! (snickers)  
  
Narg: Narg smart. Narg like TV.  
  
Thom: Ah good, well why don't you tell us a little about this show of yours. It's had massive success and is gaining quite a strong following.  
  
Narg: Narg like to decorate. And cook wild animals. Narg tie pretty bows around napkins and make home-scented candles. Narg enjoy TV show. Narg will crush Martha Stewart.  
  
Thom: Heh heh, wouldn't we all like to! And now it's time to play everyone's favorite game...the Wringer!  
  
[A/N: This is a stupid game they play on TRL if you've never seen it.]  
  
Narg: Wring! Narg like to wring arms off of bodies!  
  
Thom: Err...yes well. Are you ready to play the game Narg?  
  
Narg: Narg ready.  
  
Thom: Good. First question: Whom would you rather sit next to on an airplane? Moiraine or Nynaeve?  
  
Narg: Narg no like sniffy women. Narg rip their heads off.  
  
Thom: Okay...not a bad answer either...So, next question. Is it true you had an affair with a Myrddraal?  
  
Narg: Uhhh...Narg...Narg like...uhhh...  
  
Thom: I'll take that as a yes. What color socks do you wear?  
  
Narg: Narg like pink.  
  
Thom: Wonderful, that's my favorite color too! It's said stupid minds think alike! If you were stranded on a desert island and could only take one thing, what would it be?  
  
Narg: Narg like coconuts. Lots of coconuts.  
  
Thom: And the last question: What qualities do you think are the most important in a person? Or Trolloc rather.  
  
Narg: You. Narg like you.  
  
Thom: Umm...  
  
[Narg rushes forward and tries to hug Thom.]  
  
Thom: Security! Let's get this Trolloc out of here! And let's take a commercial break please!!!  
  
[A man sitting a table appears and he is dressed in all yellow.]  
  
Man: Good evening. Are you tired of your current religion? Are you fed up with the Creator and his non-existent help? Then you need a change in philosophy, and we can help you! Join the Way of the Banana. We worship fruits of all shapes and sizes and offer sacrifices of Cheese-Nips to them. Ah, the power of Cheese! Live your life in peace and guidance through the way of fruits and other assorted vegetables/plants. Call 1-800-FRUITCAKE for your free booklet on the Way of the Banana. And if you call now, we'll throw in a free Vege-tales video so you can learn about the traditions of friendship and love with brainless vegetables. Thank you. And walk in the celery.  
  
[Thom comes back on the screen with disheveled clothes and hair.]  
  
Thom: Ah yes, that Narg...very interesting Trolloc. Such a pity I didn't have time to get his phone number. Oh! Where were we? Oh yeah, number 3 on the countdown. This is Rand and Elayne with "Dilemma".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Rand w/ Elayne  
Album: Dragonville  
Song: Dilemma  
  
Elayne:  
I love and I need you   
Rand, I love you, I do   
Need you   
  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm playing at the queen  
Boy, I know you're crazy over me   
  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm at my council meetings  
You know I'm crazy over you   
  
Rand:  
Uh-uh-uh-uh   
I met this girl when I fell over the wall and hit my head  
And she got the hots for me, the finest thing I need to see   
But oh, no, no, she got a mean brother and mother, oh-oh, but that's okay   
'Cause I wait for my cue and just listen, play my position   
Like the channeler that I am, blow up everything  
And in no time I better this girl to me and that's for sure   
'Cause I-I never been the type to steal the queen from country  
But there's something 'bout this nasty girl, I just can't leave her 'lone   
So tell me, Lews, what should I do?   
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on   
  
Elayne:  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm playing at the queen  
Boy, I know you're crazy over me   
  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm at my council meetings  
You know I'm crazy over you   
  
Rand:  
Uh-uh-uh-uh   
Min saw a lot in your aura and she never say a word   
I know how Aes Sedai start actin' all high, and hate up all the men   
And there's no way you can resist me  
Ain't playin with no damane, as you could see   
But I-I like your tease, your style, your whole demeanor   
The way you come through and sniff at me, and give me that icy cold look of yours   
Now that's special and I got special ways to thank ya, don't you forget it   
But it ain't that easy for you to back up and leave your brother behind   
But you and me we got ties for different reasons   
I respect that and right before I turned to leave   
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on   
  
Elayne:  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm with my Boo   
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you   
  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm with my Boo   
You know I'm crazy over you   
  
Sing it for me, K   
  
I love and I need you   
Rand, I love you, I do   
And it's more than you'll ever know   
Dragon, it's for sure   
You can always count on my love   
Forever more, yeah, yeah   
  
Rand:  
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right   
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right   
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right   
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)   
Andor, I see you swingin' right   
  
Elayne:  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm with my Boo   
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you   
  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm with my Boo   
You know I'm crazy over you  
  
Rand:  
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right   
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right   
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right   
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)   
Andor, I see you swingin' right   
(Repeat 2x)  
  
Elayne:  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm with my Boo   
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you   
  
No matter what I do   
All I think about is you   
Even when I'm with my Boo   
You know I'm crazy over you   
  
Yeah, yeah   
  
Rand:  
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right   
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right   
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right   
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)   
Andor, I see you swingin' right   
(Repeat 2x)  
~~~  
  
Thom: *gasp* I know you're all wondering who's number 1 today...but too bad because we're only on video 2.  
  
[A green penguin named Drake waddles onto the stage holding a jar of poppy seeds.]  
  
Drake: Poppy seeds!  
  
[The green penguin waddles off again and no one notices.]  
  
Thom: This is Aginor with "Forsaken Boy".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Aginor  
Album: Let Go  
Song: Forsaken Boy  
  
He was a boy  
I was a man too  
Can I make it any more obvious  
He was a historian  
I did biological experiments  
What more can I say  
He wanted women  
I'd never tell secretly I wanted them as well  
But the Great Lord  
Stuck up his nose  
He had a problem with his womanizing ways  
  
He was a history boy  
Rand said see you later boy  
He wasn't good enough to face the Dragon  
He had a pretty face  
But his head was up in space  
He needed to come back down to earth  
  
3 months from then  
He's re-incarnated  
Doing some evil deeds he's all alone  
He comes to the meeting  
Guess what he sees  
Turned into a girl this time  
He yells at the Chosen  
They already know  
And they've all got  
Bids to see how long he lasts  
I tag along  
Join the Black Tower  
Look up at the woman that he's become  
  
[2x]  
He was a history boy  
Rand said see you later boy  
He wasn't good enough to face the Dragon  
Now he's a pretty woman  
Painting his nails pink  
Does your pretty face see what they're worth?  
  
Sorry boy but you missed out  
Well tough luck you're a girl now  
You lost more than just your friends  
This is how the story ends  
Too bad that you couldn't see,  
See the woman that you would be  
There is more that meets the eye  
They see the soul that is inside  
  
He's just a girl  
And I'm just a boy  
Can I make it any more obvious  
We are re-incarnated  
Haven't you heard  
How we rock the Randland world  
  
[2x]  
I'm with the history boy  
Rand said see you later boy  
You'll be back stage with the Aes Sedai  
I'll be in the Black Tower  
Channeling the Power you know  
You can't do that anymore!  
~~~  
  
Thom: And now we have to take a short break so as to keep you in suspense about who's number 1!  
  
[A man walks around a field where other men are sword fighting. The man turns to face the camera.]  
  
Man: Hello. Are you like these idiots behind me who don't know how to use a sword? Well don't worry. We've got just the thing for you. From the people who brought you Tam's Unusual Sword Forms, comes Tam's Unusual Sword Forms 2. That's right! You can impress your friends with these unique and colorful moves. The name is better than the action!  
  
- Evil Kitty Runs Away From Vacuum Cleaner  
- Mr. Keebler Compulsively Hides Cookies in Tree  
- Pretty Clouds Distract Idiot Opponent  
- Fanatical Elf Eats Malevolent Bunnies  
- Man Addicted to Pixie Sticks Flies Through Open Window  
- Deranged Santa Claus Spontaneously Combusts  
- Tree Falls in Woods  
- Giant Chocolate Chip Cookies Explode  
- Animals at Zoo Eat Crackers  
- Innocent Children Ravage Household  
- Man Throws Jelly Beans into Opponent's Face  
  
Man: For only $44.95 (we raised the price), you can learn these useless and troublesome sword forms to astound and astonish your friends and defeat your enemies. The Dragon Reborn even trained with these techniques, so don't delay! Call 1-800-KICKBUTT now!  
  
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]  
  
Thom: And we're back! We're almost done with this show and I'm so excited because pretty soon I get to go out on date with that handsome Trolloc and- heh heh. Did I say that out loud? I mean, let's go right to the number 1. It's Rhuarc with "Hot in Herre".  
  
~~~  
Artist: Rhuarc  
Album: Rhuarcville  
Song: Hot in Herrrrrre  
  
Hot in...  
So hot in herre...  
So hot in...  
  
I was like, good gracious Maiden bodacious  
Flirtatious, tryin to show patience  
Lookin for the right time to shoot my steam (you know)  
Lookin for the right time to flash them gai'shan  
Then um I'm leavin, please believin  
Me and the rest of my brothers  
Check it, got it locked at the top of the Waste  
Cold Rocks hold, roof top, birds I feedin  
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve, no teasin  
I need you to get up up on the steam tent  
Give that man what he askin for  
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you  
And cant nobody stop the flow so Maiden tell me whats the use  
  
[Chorus 2x]  
(I said)  
It's gettin hot in here (so hot)  
So take off all your clothes  
  
I am gettin so hot, I wanna take my clothes off  
  
Why you in the Waste if you aint sellin like a peddlar  
What good is all the fame if you aint gettin them women  
I see you ridin, wagon, be carried by them horses  
And I be down, and do a hundred, walkin with them hats  
Get out of the Waste, exit 106 and land in Cairhein  
Spear point, livestock, time to spark it  
Water canteen for gold piece, got out and walked it  
I spit game cuz baby I can't talk it  
Warm, sweatin it's hot up in this joint  
Cadin'sor clothes, all on at this point  
You're with a clan chief so baby you cant loose  
I got secrets cant leave this Waste  
So take it off like you're with your spear sistas  
You know dance with your friends while your drinking the oosqui  
Checkin out the men and tellin your best friend,   
like "girl I think my butt gettin big"  
  
[Chorus 2x]  
  
Mix a little bit a ah, ah  
With a little bit a ah, ah  
Give a little bit a ah, ah  
With a little bit a ah, ah  
With a little bit a ah, ah  
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah  
I like it when ya ah, ah  
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah  
  
Stop placin, time wastin  
I gotta a friend with real nice sweat tent in his hold (What?)  
I'm just kiddin like them wetlanders (Oh)  
Unless you gon' do it  
Extra, extra eh, spread the news  
Rhuarc took a trip from the Waste to Cairhein  
Hadn't come back with somethin thicker than the fifth  
Say we like to think about in the sweat tents  
  
[Chorus 4x]  
  
Mix a little bit of ah, ah  
With a little bit of ah, ah  
Give a little bit of ah, ah  
With a little bit of ah, ah  
With a little bit of ah, ah  
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah  
I like it when ya ah, ah  
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah  
~~~  
  
Thom: Ah and we're done for the day. Don't come back next time because Grandma's still crazy! May the Force be with you.  
  
Random Masked Audience Member: And also with you.  
  
Thom: Let us pray. Drive home safe everyone and don't eat too many bluebirds. Bye! 


End file.
